yesterday, i would up taking the D to up bedford from brooklyn. you got off two or three stops before me. you were maybe 25, darkskinned, with studs in your ears and square nails with black french-tips, and your head was on your boyfriend's shoulder (he had hoop earrings) for half the ride. i was the 19-year old wasian girl with long dark hair in a pinstriped vest, a brown leather jacket, and tights, with two friends.

i was venting to them about the possibility of the supreme court overturning gay marriage. honestly, gay guy on the D train, i didn't want to get too into it on the subway, but i was and am pretty scared these days. you were a seat behind my friend, but i thought i saw you nod when i was talking, just, word vomiting to my friend about how that supreme court review is something so monumental but so completely unsurprising, and about how it’s not getting enough coverage, and about how whenever i remember it in the middle of my day i feel physically sick. and then you slid open your phone, and it was angled towards me, and it wasn’t even being used. i mean, it was just on your home screen. and it was a black and white triptych of you kissing a man, i think, and then i saw the man with to you, wearing gold hoop earrings, and you waited a minute, then you put your head on his shoulder. gay guy on the d train, my heart weirdly leapt.

i’m a student here, from the suburbs, red family, red city, catholic school. seeing openly queer people- so often, too- still makes me feel funny. a twinge. sadness and joy. it makes me want to cry on the sidewalk sometimes and i can’t explain why. it’s not always just happy tears. a man was walking in boots and a skirt yesterday in chelsea and i stared. i don't want to be That person who can't keep their eyes to themselves, but it's just so nice. gay guy on the d train, i was so happy to get here. i've been in new york for three months. when i’m alone on the subway i’m so *aware* on the subway, so aware i made it out like i always wanted to, i’ll smile like a maniac out the window. never in my life have i been surrounded by this much beauty and this joy, queer beauty and queer joy. never in my life have i been this terrified of losing it.

i don’t want to say you opened your phone *for* me, but it’s something i would’ve done. when i sat next to a gay girl on an airplane this summer i kicked my backpack around and hoped she saw my pride pin, but we didn’t talk. later, i told my friend my acapella team was doing “rush” by troye sivan, and poked in, and i was so glad. “great song,” or something like that, then i said i don’t really know him. you told me to watch the “got me started” music video: i’m gonna, later today. by the way, gay guy on the d train, i'm very awkward at making conversation. you're awesome, i loved talking to you! wow, like, kinda sorry!

gay guy on the d train, i am so scared these days. when i think of the news i want to scream. i’m a polisci major so it usually means i just want to scream all the time. you got on, got off, so did we, we shared the same space for maybe half an hour. our interaction was maybe 10 sentences. i don't know your name or your borough or if you'll be weirded out by how much that tiny interaction meant to me. but i see you, man. you're one of the reasons i love this city. i hope you get to marry that man if you want to. no matter what train we're taking, and no matter what this government says, neither of us are going anywhere.