New York City
this isn't how it used to be- i find myself feeling so bad lately. my bf and i have had an interesting journey to say the least- but supposedly found happiness in a relationship with one another after a very tumultuous road. The thing is, i feel like he just likes me because he can have sex with me a lot and if hotter girls payed him any attention (which they don't so much) he would leave me pretty quickly. We were friends for a long time and he used to talk about this girl he took out for 2 dates before she dumped him and it was so different to how he talks about me. He would talk about how gorgeous she was and how he wanted to show her off to all his friends because she was so out of his league. I know he doesn't talk about me like that- the thing is, not to be a dick but im still really pretty (and to most people, would be considered out of his league as well). To me it doesn't matter how he looks because what made me really like him is that i thought he really saw me, understood me. And i like the way he exists- his thoughts, his feelings, the way he goes about things... but as time had gone on, i feel like shit. i found out he screenshots pictures of girls he knows personally on his IG, (including some of my friends), follows more than 900 thirst accounts, and none of them look like me. Just a very different type. I've now had the worst body dysmorphia of my life- I've only been wearing 2 pairs of baggy pants because I thought I had been gaining weight like crazy and didn't want to feel the way you feel when a pair of pants you always wear don't fit anymore. I finally ran out of clean pants and put on the tighter ones and they were fucking loose. I don't want to have sex anymore because I feel like I'm being used or it makes me feel dirty or pathetic like I'm using it to keep him even though we've had tearful talks about all of this many, many times and he tries to assure me that he loves me and it's not that. I'm not an insecure person. I have insecurities, I'm only human. But I'm not insecure as a primary function of being. I try to do my best being very realistic and understanding of how things actually are. I think that constantly comparing myself to other women, and seeing him so reactive to other women more so than myself has engrained in me a feeling of being small. I know that's not what this website is for- but it wasn't always like this. I wish we could go back to how things used to be. Before I felt like collapsing on myself like a dying star. I don't know what to do. Can I go back in time, and if I could, is there anything that could be different? I just don't know what to do.
Posted: Tuesday. March 14, 2023.
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